When one person in a family takes that first scary, courageous step toward wellness, you would think that everyone else in the family would be supportive.
After all, being well generally means being happier, kinder, more energetic, more generous, and less of a burden.
And don't we all want our loved ones to be well?
Disruption Can Be Scary
But the reality is, many people are threatened by change. If you've started changing your ways to be healthier and fitter, your partner or parents or children might get quite anxious and upset.
They might think:
- “Now we're not going to eat yummy food any more.”
- “Who is she to think she's better than me?”
- “I'm not going to change – and he better not try and make me!”
- “There goes our social life – nobody's going to want to hang out with us if she's like that.”
- “If he loses weight and gets fit, he'll probably leave me.”
They may not admit to having these thoughts (even to themselves). And they probably won't realize that these fears are what are driving their opposition to your transformation.
So what can you do about it?
First, learn how to conduct a Transformation Conversation.
This is a technique that comes from the excellent book, Change Anything, by Patterson, Grenny, and others.
Here's a video explaining the technique from my Proteinaholic Transition Course:
And here's the accompanying worksheet: Transformation Conversation Worksheet
(For a free test drive of the full course, go here.)
Lessons from a Crack Hostage Negotiator
One of my favorite books of this year is Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended On It, by Chris Voss.
It turns out that the FBI techniques honed over decades of tense international hostage negotiations with some of the most depraved and despicable humans on the planet are actually quite applicable to much more refined situations. Like:
Business deals.
Spats with neighbors over dogs and cats and flower beds.
Getting family members to support your transformation.
Tactical Empathy
One of the most important principles of negotiation is to demonstrate empathy with your counterpart (notice I didn't say “opponent” or “adversary”). Empathy achieves a lot – it's not just a touchy-feely tactic.
Empathy encourages your counterpart to feel safe. This allows them to think creatively rather than defensively. It also makes it more likely they'll act in a generous manner.
Empathy also encourages your counterpart to speak more freely. And the most important currency of a negotiation is information. The more you know about your counterpart's situation and their thinking and their emotions, the bigger your advantage in any negotiation.
You can generate empathy, according to Voss, by asking questions about which you are genuinely curious. Truly seek to understand your counterpart's point of view. What outcomes do they fear? What are they concerned about? What do they want?
Be curious and non-judgmental, seeking to understand fully, so that you can paraphrase their concerns back to them.
Here's how you know you've succeeded in achieving and displaying empathy: your counterpart will respond, “That's right!” to your summary of their point of view.
Labels, Right and Wrong
A second technique to draw out your counterpart, especially if they're reluctant to share their true thoughts and feelings (which happens when they're ashamed of them), is to use labels.
For example:
- “It sounds like you're worried that I'll stop baking those cookies you love.”
- “It seems like you prefer me at the weight I am now.”
- “It looks like you're angry with me for wanting to disrupt our routine.”
- If you're right, that's great. You can empathize, and get them to own their thoughts and feelings rather than project them onto you in some distorted fashion.
If you're wrong – that's also great. Now they can correct you, which they will often do with great enthusiasm. Nobody wants to feel misunderstood. And then you'll have a better sense of where they're coming from and what's important to them.
For proof that nobody wants to feel misunderstood:
Challenge Them to Be Helpful
This is an advanced tactic to be pulled out at the end of a negotiation if your counterpart isn't playing ball.
In a blog post published today, Chris Voss suggests two specific labels that may challenge them to positive action by implying that they may be powerless. Nobody wants to feel powerless.
Here are the labels:
“It sounds like there’s nothing I can say to get you to change your mind.”
“It sounds like you’re powerless here.”
They're kind of nuclear, in that they could potentially backfire if your counterpart says “That's right.” So don't pull them out in any but a “last chance” effort to save a negotiation.
But if nothing else is getting through, these questions invite your counterpart to look within, and explore their willingness and ability to act on your behalf.
Dr Howie Jacobson
This podcast is a labor of love and a way to give back to the world that has given me so much. That's why there aren't any sponsors (except me :).
My day job is helping leaders and their teams master their mindsets to remove all obstacles to heart-centered high performance.
Here are three gigs that I do:
1. Trigger-Free Leadership: Executive and Senior Leadership Mentoring and Facilitation
I work with high performing executive teams in organizations — and executive teams that need to become high performing. My focus is mindset mastery, because it’s our mindsets that either support high performance or get in the way.
At this level, everyone’s got the skills and experience to excel and contribute at the highest level. What holds people back is mindset stuff: specifically the triggers that get them out of creative engagement and into fight-or-flight defensiveness.
My practice is all about teaching people to respond differently to those triggers by updating old maps — essentially removing the glitches that the triggers grab onto.
2. Executive Coaching: Quick Wins for High Performance
I work with individual executives and leaders, one on one. The program is called Quick Wins for High Performance, and what we do is, we work strategically on one or two areas that are holding you back and keeping you from performing at your best.
We reverse engineer the presenting problems — too much work and not enough time, underperforming employees and teams, maddening organizational inefficiencies, etc — and identify and rewire the suboptimal mindsets that are behind those problems.
The work is all about updating your mental maps so your actions and responses are always appropriate, proportionate, and strategic.
3. High Stakes Conversations for Fast Growing Small Business Teams
I help small business teams have high stakes conversations with skill, humor, and grace. When people feel safe, they can do their best, most creative, most collaborative work.
So that's what I do. If you'd like any of those results, drop me a line and tell me about yourself.
You CAN Change Other People!
Well, that's what Peter Bregman and I claim in our provocative book of that title.
What we really mean is, you can bring out the best in the people around you. If you think you're powerless to help people change, it's because you've been going about it the wrong way.
Discover our straightforward, replicable process here: You Can Change Other People.
Music
The Plant Yourself Podcast theme music, “Dance of Peace (Sabali Don),” is generously provided by Will Ridenour, a kora player from North Carolina who has trained with top Senegalese musicians.
It can be found on his first CD, titled Will Ridenour.
You can learn about Will, listen to more tracks, and buy music on his website, WillRidenour.com.
Gratitudes
Thanks to Plant Yourself podcast patrons – Kim Harrison – Lynn McLellan – Brittany Porter – Dominic Marro – Barbara Whitney – Tammy Black – Amy Good – Amanda Hatherly – Mary Jane Wheeler – Ellen Kennelly – Melissa Cobb – Rachel Behrens – Tina Scharf – Tina Ahern – Jen Vilkinofsky – David Byczek – Michele X – Elspeth Feldman – Leah Stolar – Allan Kristensen – Colleen Peck – Michele Landry – Jozina – Sara Durkacs – Kelly Cameron – Janet Selby – Claire Adams – Tom Fronczak – Jeannette Benham – Gila Lacerte – David Donohue – Blair Seibert – Doron Avizov – Gio and Carolyn Argentati – Jodi Friesner – Mischa Rosen – Michael Worobiec – AvIvA Lael – Alicia Lemus – Val Linnemann – Nick Harper – Bandana Chawla – Molly Levine – The Inscrutable Harry R – Susan Laverty the Panda Vegan – Craig Covic – Adam Scharf – Karen Bury – Heather Morgan – Nigel Davies – Marian Blum – Teresa Kopel – Julian Watkins – Brid O'Connell – Shannon Herschman – Linda Ayotte – Holm Hedegaard – Isa Tousignant – Connie Haneline – Erin Greer – Alicia Davis – Heather O'Connor – Carollynne Jensen – Sheri Orlekoski of Plant Powered for Health – Karen Smith – Scott Mirani – Karen and Joe Crabtree – Kirby Burton – Theresa Carrell – Kevin Macaulay – Elizabeth Rothschild – Ann Jesse – Sheryl Dwyer – Jenny Hazelton – Peter W Evans – Dennis Bird – Darby Kelly – Lori Fanney – Linnea Lundquist – Emily Iaconelli – Levi Wallach – Rosamonde McAtee – Dan Pokorney – Stephen Leinin – Patty DeMartino – Mike and Donna Kartz – Deanne Bishop – Bilberry Elf – Marjorie Lewis – Tricia Adams – Nancy Sheldon – Lindsey Bashore – Gunn Marit Hagen – Tracey Gulledge – Lara Hedin – Meg from Mamasezz – Stacey Stokes – Ben Savage – Michael K – David Hughes -Coni Rodgers – Claire England – Sally Robertson – Parham Ganchi – Amy Dailey – Brian Tourville – Mark Jeffrey Johnson – Josie Dempsey – Caryn Schmitt – Pamela Hayden – Emily Perryman – Allison Corbett – Richard Stone – Lauren Vaught of Edible Musings – Erin Hastey – Sean Owens – Sagar Naik – Erika Piedra – Danielle Roberts – Michael Leuchten – Sarah Johnson – Katharine Floyd – Meryl Fury – for your generous support of the podcast.
Disclosure
This post may contain affiliate links. I may receive compensation from your actions on such links. It don't cost you a dime, tho.
