When one person in a family takes that first scary, courageous step toward wellness, you would think that everyone else in the family would be supportive.
After all, being well generally means being happier, kinder, more energetic, more generous, and less of a burden.
And don't we all want our loved ones to be well?
Disruption Can Be Scary
But the reality is, many people are threatened by change. If you've started changing your ways to be healthier and fitter, your partner or parents or children might get quite anxious and upset.
They might think:
- “Now we're not going to eat yummy food any more.”
- “Who is she to think she's better than me?”
- “I'm not going to change – and he better not try and make me!”
- “There goes our social life – nobody's going to want to hang out with us if she's like that.”
- “If he loses weight and gets fit, he'll probably leave me.”
They may not admit to having these thoughts (even to themselves). And they probably won't realize that these fears are what are driving their opposition to your transformation.
So what can you do about it?
First, learn how to conduct a Transformation Conversation.
This is a technique that comes from the excellent book, Change Anything, by Patterson, Grenny, and others.
Here's a video explaining the technique from my Proteinaholic Transition Course:
And here's the accompanying worksheet: Transformation Conversation Worksheet
(For a free test drive of the full course, go here.)
Lessons from a Crack Hostage Negotiator
One of my favorite books of this year is Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended On It, by Chris Voss.
It turns out that the FBI techniques honed over decades of tense international hostage negotiations with some of the most depraved and despicable humans on the planet are actually quite applicable to much more refined situations. Like:
Spats with neighbors over dogs and cats and flower beds.
Getting family members to support your transformation.
One of the most important principles of negotiation is to demonstrate empathy with your counterpart (notice I didn't say “opponent” or “adversary”). Empathy achieves a lot – it's not just a touchy-feely tactic.
Empathy encourages your counterpart to feel safe. This allows them to think creatively rather than defensively. It also makes it more likely they'll act in a generous manner.
Empathy also encourages your counterpart to speak more freely. And the most important currency of a negotiation is information. The more you know about your counterpart's situation and their thinking and their emotions, the bigger your advantage in any negotiation.
You can generate empathy, according to Voss, by asking questions about which you are genuinely curious. Truly seek to understand your counterpart's point of view. What outcomes do they fear? What are they concerned about? What do they want?
Be curious and non-judgmental, seeking to understand fully, so that you can paraphrase their concerns back to them.
Here's how you know you've succeeded in achieving and displaying empathy: your counterpart will respond, “That's right!” to your summary of their point of view.
Labels, Right and Wrong
A second technique to draw out your counterpart, especially if they're reluctant to share their true thoughts and feelings (which happens when they're ashamed of them), is to use labels.
- “It sounds like you're worried that I'll stop baking those cookies you love.”
- “It seems like you prefer me at the weight I am now.”
- “It looks like you're angry with me for wanting to disrupt our routine.”
- If you're right, that's great. You can empathize, and get them to own their thoughts and feelings rather than project them onto you in some distorted fashion.
If you're wrong – that's also great. Now they can correct you, which they will often do with great enthusiasm. Nobody wants to feel misunderstood. And then you'll have a better sense of where they're coming from and what's important to them.
For proof that nobody wants to feel misunderstood:
Challenge Them to Be Helpful
This is an advanced tactic to be pulled out at the end of a negotiation if your counterpart isn't playing ball.
In a blog post published today, Chris Voss suggests two specific labels that may challenge them to positive action by implying that they may be powerless. Nobody wants to feel powerless.
Here are the labels:
“It sounds like there’s nothing I can say to get you to change your mind.”
“It sounds like you’re powerless here.”
They're kind of nuclear, in that they could potentially backfire if your counterpart says “That's right.” So don't pull them out in any but a “last chance” effort to save a negotiation.
But if nothing else is getting through, these questions invite your counterpart to look within, and explore their willingness and ability to act on your behalf.
Looking for Transformational Change?
You know how when you discovered plant-based eating, you basically went, “Holy shit, how come the entire healthcare system isn't totally embracing this as one of the most powerful keys to disease prevention and reversal!”?
That's how I feel now about a psychological approach to transformational change called “Memory Reconsolidation.” Few psychologists have heard about it, and when they do hear the radical transformations it can bring about in a very short time, they're often skeptical to the point of disbelief.
But I've added Memory Reconsolidation work to my own coaching, and can attest to its amazing efficacy. So much so, that I'm devoting the next year to mastering it, studying with the best clinicians and teachers in the world, and then introducing it into health coaching through my trainings.
Right now, I want to triple my coaching practice to get more and more opportunities to do this work. And I'm lowering my fees – a lot – to make it easier for people to work with me.
If you're interested in working with me (and willing to commit to a minimum of 2 months), click the link below to open the form in a new browser tab and I'll get back to you within 3 business days.
You CAN Change Other People!
Well, that's what Peter Bregman and I claim in our provocative book of that title.
What we really mean is, you can help the people around you make behavioral changes in their own best interests. If you think you're powerless to help people change, it's because you've been going about it the wrong way.
Discover our straightforward, replicable process here: You Can Change Other People.
Audiobook: Use the Weight to Lose the Weight
Listen to Josh LaJaunie and me narrate our latest audiobook, about how to start moving when you're obese.
It's $10, and Josh and I split it evenly 🙂
This podcast is not underwritten by advertising, so I can experience complete editorial autonomy without worrying about pissing off the person paying the bills. Instead, I pay the bills, with your help. It's free for those who can't afford to pay, and supported by those who can. You can contribute to the growth and improvement of the podcast by clicking the “Support on Patreon” or “Donate” buttons on the right to help out.
The Plant Yourself Podcast theme music, “Dance of Peace (Sabali Don),” is generously provided by Will Ridenour, a kora player from North Carolina who has trained with top Senegalese musicians.
It can be found on his first CD, titled Will Ridenour.
You can learn about Will, listen to more tracks, and buy music on his website, WillRidenour.com.
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